Quit being happy....

Hey....loud family across the hall......shut it!  This is not "where the party is".

Healthpark Chronicles

It's strange to see the same people here everyday and not have much info about them.  The woman across the hall looks so much better then before.  I want to tell her.  The man on the other side and I have an intimate relationship based on looks.  We eyeball each other constantly.  My chair is situated in such a fashion that he see's me and I him when he is in his chair.  He is very self conscious about his gown.  Constantly checking his leg area to make sure our relationship doesn't hit the next level.  There has been a family here everyday.  I believe their situation is very similar to ours.  There is a mom and dad plus two kids.  It's hard to have "fun" in a hospital.  The kids are fairly inventive much like my son.  They were pretending last week that the silver bar above the glass wall was their ballet bar.  They both had their shoes off and were twirling and twisting.  It gave many families a smile as we all waited for news of our loved ones after various procedures.  The mom looks like I feel.  Her eyes are so sad.  She tries to smile for her kids and remain upbeat.  She and her husband have exchanged some harsh words.  It's hard for everyone.  The husband tries to help but I can tell that she would almost rather be alone.  I understand.  I long to be surrounded by the people I love but not in this situation.  I feel like a burden, like a crybaby, like I need to suffer alone because if I do maybe somehow things will change.  Maybe some miraculous thing will occur and because I have been so strong and not asked for help and not freaked out and not sobbed on my knees......just maybe I will earn her more time.  It's so unrealistic, so out there, so wacky but it feels right for right now.   So I go with it.  

Another day, Another stomach flu

My brother and his family arrived on Friday.  He and his wife have been staying with my dad and their kids with us.  It's bittersweet.  When they come to town it's hard to see them as they have friends here that they are still close to so they visit A LOT.  This is the first time we have gotten to have them with us.  Under the circumstances...it sucks, but in the bigger picture of things....I am loving having them.  I am talking to my brother more than I have in years and finally able to relax and let my guard down.  It feels invigorating.  He is really the only other person who can truly and absolutely relate to me since we grew up in the same house with this wonderful lady we call our mother.  Her friends know the loss of her will be devastating.  Our spouses and close friends get it too but he is really the only one that is feeling the same as I am.  

So sometime in the middle of the night, my niece gets sick.  She vomits several times and only wakes up her brother.  NEITHER of them came to get me or my husband.  My niece doesn't want to be a bother.  She is just like her Grandmother in that respect. :)  I called my brother at 7 am and his wife was there shortly.  SO...in the middle of all this....we now have the stomach flu.  Hello?  God?  Are you there?  Whatever message you are sending....can you make it a bit clearer?

When is New Years Eve?

I am trying to even decide what day it is.  Since Thanksgiving the days have all run together and I am never certain of time or date.  Today is Saturday....I know that because my girlfriends play tennis on Saturday and I didn't go today .  I wanted to go but was torn.   I am living the day to day guilt of trying to have a life and stay with my mother in the hospital.  She is dying. Right before my eyes,  I am watching her struggle to breathe and become incoherent at times and hallucinate from pain meds.  I am watching nurses who won't meet my eyes, doctors who are way too blunt and other patients visitors sympathetic glances as they pass the room.  I have seen all the looks and heard the conversations at the nurses station but I simply can not accept that this could be my last few weeks, days, or hours with my mother.  I find myself getting up on the bed and into her face trying to tell her to FIGHT! The tears come and she whispers that she is trying but I just don't know if she has enough strength to go on.  I want her to.  I need her to.  I can't imagine any moment in my day to day life where I haven't thought that I couldn't wait to call her and tell her about it.  We are extraordinarily close.  Our age difference spans over 4o years but somehow we have gained a mutual understanding that girls wear bra's at age 10, it's ok to call a boy back if he is your lab partner, pads don't have to be attached to belts anymore, lipstick is not for harlots and it's ok to marry then divorce if you are unhappy.  I know I have let her down on a few occasions and that she has forgiven me.  I know that my second marriage made her very happy and she loves my husband as her own child.  I know that the birth of my son has kept her fighting to stay alive for the last 4 years.  I know that the fact that she bathed him for the first time,  an hour after his birth, in this very hospital, is a memory that I will keep forever.  I know that I love her as much as anything or anyone can love another.  I love my mother.